Yeah, like the only people who read this already know... but yeah John dumped me on my birthday. I've never met such a scumbag in my life. I fucking knew he was cheating on me and he still wanted me to fuck his revolting ass. End of story.

The one person there for me throughout everything was my friend Sam. I've known him online since like July and we talked more and more as weeks went by. I saved him from suicide twice, he says. Beginning of September or so, we started to talk on the phone and it was like three times a day. On my birthday he stayed up with me till 3:20 AM, which is when I was born, and even though I was still with John he told me that he loved me as my birthday gift. I just told him that I considered him only a friend and that I loved John.

Later that day, John shows up doesn't even wish me a happy birthday or anything. (He did have HORRIBLE shit going on that day.. so I did excuse him.) We talk about the problems and shit that happened to him and he tells me that he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. I'm all upset and shocked, I mean it WAS MY BIRTHDAY! I then choose to confront him about my cheating suspicions and he denies it at first but then admits it.

First fucking person I went to was Sam. I called up his cell phone crying like a fool. Then I had my awesome ass friends greeting my crying self with a cake and cheering me up with hugs and just staying with me.

Weeks went on and I got over that fucktard and more and more I felt myself growing attached to Sam... I couldn't understand what the feelings I had for him where at first but then one day I realized that I LOVED HIM and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I decided that it would be cute to tell him my feelings with a origami heart w/ a note inside telling him I love him and a letter, so I sent that this past Tuesday. Things happened and at like 4 AM on Wednesday he asks me to be more than his friend. I play with him a little bit and confuse him with rants about how much does he think I care and what ticks me off about him. He got so confused and then I told him yes. I told him my real feelings and that I loved him and cared for him more than anyone else.

He only lives 4 hours away in NY. He is coming down here for 10 days or so this Christmas. And then My bro and I are going back with him to his house for a New Years party. While Jake leaves the day after, I will be staying up there for a few days. I plan on having so much fun with him. He makes me smile so much. I even get along with his brother and mother. :D

I love Sammy.
10/10/07 <3 <3

Meet Flowerhead, aka John. I met him on like Friday I think. My bro used to go to the same school as him a few years ago and then he moved away and now he is back. Like instantly we clicked and we were hitting each other in a teasing way and having serious talks.

So yeah today basically started with a spin on my bro's play slot machine. He said that cherries mean something new will happen and 7's mean luck. I got one 7 and two cherries. He and I had our little conversations about ourselves throughout the evening as usual. But on the way out of  Dairy Queen he was like, " I want to tell you my secret, but Jake (my bro) will be pissed." And I went on about how my bro gets into my business too much and that he has to tell me. He said simply, "I like you."  And yeah I was just so shocked. I said random things but I also made it a point to tell him to get to know me better. He believes in all these spiritual and supernatural things and most people find him fucked up for it, but I don't. It interests me.

So yah, I dunno what is happening anymore. I still think so much of Deryk too even though he lives almost 5,000 miles away. I'm going to get to know John a lot better and just go with the flow. I have so much more to type out but I am so dead tired. I have work at 7:30 AM till 1:30PM and John is going to come see me at around 1 something. Oh and that picture of him is from before the party on Sunday. I put eyeliner on him, he liked it BTW.

Chyeah. I'm falling HARD for someone. We are so attached at the hip, in his words. I only know this kid online, seeing as he lives so far away, and that is so NOT like me. It seems very weird, but I can't help it. I can't even go a DAY without hearing from him. Even when I am driving or at work he is texting me, so I know he is at least attached too. Wait... hehe... HE even said we are so attached. Yeah, I'm confused. For some reason he told his relatives about me and they were like "Are you dating online?" and he told me that he said, "We are just becomming REALLY close friends." SO yeah... who knows what the fuck is going on. And right now I am waiting for him to get out of work and yeah... this crappy no paragraph writing is so not me, but I feel lazy.

And today was horrible, but said person cheered me up all day. This morning a FUCKING yellow jacket was on my lip and stung it! I was freaking out and crying and the first person I thought of was him. I left him some messages 'cause he was sleeping, but a few hours later my phone goes off and it's him and he is worried. So I talked to him all day and I felt infinitely better. And yeah this so isn't like me.... 

And I have a car. It's a '97 Chevy Cavalier that is in such perfect condition. I love my baby. I'm making a appointment to take my driving test on Monday. LICENSE HERE I COME!

And I have three bday gifts to buy this month, one of which is for someone who I still yearn for at times. Oh well.... better get together some money.

- Getting carded sucks.
- This hot waiter at a Applebees is so nice to me. I love fruit so he brings me out free plates of fruit. I told my friend that we need to make a tradition to go there ( but really it's cause I want to see him. xP )
- GETTING CARDED SUCKS.
- I need to talk to one of my boyysss.
- I miss him, one of the three of them.
- I'm on a car hunt tomorrow.
- I want to talk to him.
- I have my left helix pierced now.
- I'm probably going to cave in and get a myspace sooon. -.-;

I'm tired and I need to talk to him.

(Update for Shannn)

A lot has happened since I last updated. I won't be able to post about it all, but I think i will remember most of it.

I have my contacts and they work great. I got my hair cut a tad bit shorter, so that it is a inch and a half shorter in the back than the front. Now I am thinking I cut it too short. -.-  I swung it to cover my face and I looked like a girly faced emo boy with boobs. Haha!

I also have a job as cashier at that grocery store. I had orientation last monday and more training this coming Monday. I'm unsure as to when i will actually start working. Hopefully soon.

This past week was Amanda gets drunk week. I went to a few parties and got drunk a lot on peach schnapps, So Co, bacardi and beer. Fun FUN times.  We also set off a shitload of fireworks over the span of a few days. Everything was so fun and we still have more fireworks.

Marlboro smooths smell so fucking good before they are smoked. xP

Since I'm too lazy [and I feel sick] to write out a bunch of full paragraphs here is a list of what has happened.

1)I had a job interview on the 4th for a grocery store. She seemed to really like me (...Complimenting on my lovely smell at when I got near. Random people tell me about my lovely "stench" and I don't smell it.) and she said she should be calling me back sometime this week. I chose a cashier job.
2) My cat had a weird lumpy on her neck. I thought it was a tick, but it was a scab on top of a red bump. I couldn't afford the testing so I'm going to wait 3-4 weeks to see if it changes. Mander ish going to cry. ;_;
3) My fucking contacts STILL aren't ready yet. ZOMG!
4)I'm planning on buying a domain as soon as I have a job. No idea on what the name will be yet. I miss having a website even though my coding is awfully rusty at the moment.

I think I am unemployed. I went in today to give a release paper from my surgeon to my boss and he was so awful to me. He basically told me it was my fault that I didn't contact him. (My uncle from NYC talked to him AND his wife when I was in the hospital and explained to them I'm going to need awhile to heal and shit. His wife called me last Tuesday and I told her I need to wait to get clearance from my surgeon when I see her on the first of June.) I told him that I could barely talk or breathe for too fucking weeks and I asked him if I was fired. He said, "Well you basically dropped off the face of the earth. I don't know... we'll think it over." I just left and cried my eyes out from being pissed and embarrassed.

I'm never going to step foot in the place ever again. I'm going to tell all my friends to never go there. I'm still not sure what to do if/when either his wife or him calls me. I thought of a whole bunch of mean things ot say to make them feel guilty when I was first upset, but now they seem dumb. I just really never want to have anything to do with HIM anymore. I was so humiliated and I couldn't even defend myself properly.

Seriously... fuck them all. They are going to miss all the hard work I used to do seeing as I was the fucking slave.

I had to have emergency surgery to have my gallbladder removed about 2 weeks ago. I was so sick. My skin was so fucking yellow and the surgeon told me I would have died if I didn't go to the ER that day. So now, I'm all stitched up and out of work till I see my surgeon again on June 1st. The pain after I first got it removed was about a 10 (Morphine didn't help at all even) and now it is usually about 1-3. I don't even need my vicodin anymore. ^__^ Our house is full of people who got surgery in the last two weeks. My brother had a ingrown and seriously infected toenail removed and my grandmother had something done to her had to release her "trigger finger". The house of the handicapped! xP

Otherwise, nothing special has happened. I'm slightly stalking this 20 something, volunteer fireman who always stares at me. I walk into the other place where he works and I catch him always looking at me. He even spots me when we are both in cars. He is fucking cute and tall. I think the next step I need to do is try to make a nice smile at him the next time he looks at me. I usually just act shy or chat up the person I'm with/on the phone with. I need to try to do the same to bullet belt dude who works at the deli in the grocery store. They both act the same towards me.  Bullet belt's fashion sense is more toward what I favor and fireman is always dressed nicely. Both have blonde hair. No clue on the eyes since I look away too fast, light colors like either grey or blue though. Fireman is tall and bullet belt is only a little taller than me. Bullet belt looks to be around my age and fireman looks a tiny bit older.

Overall, fireman is cuter. If only I worked at the same place as fireman. ;_; Most of the time I go there he is out on deliveries, so I miss him.  Did I mention he used to deliver to my dad so he has seen me in my ugliest and even crying like crazy? I always look for his car in the parking lot. I'm obsessed (obsession only started this month, but I've seen the guy for the last year) I wonder if he is working tomorrow... I could go over and buy some cinnamon gum...

I miss having a website. I don't miss the coding or graphic shit, but I just miss Wordpress and a personal website that is more free. I might buy one soon... Most likely it will be named eleven18 because that is the day that started when my life changed in so many ways, the day I became a different person because of tragedy. Both my father and I died that day, and I was reborn. <3